The solution as the problem

Reading time: 3.5 min

While studying computer engineering, among other things, I learned more and more to look at the world and at other people as problems to solve. Having an abstract mind is beautiful. It has always let me approach things from different angles and find original, quick solutions to challenges, mine and other people’s.

However, that clarity for solving problems frequently led me to hand out unsolicited advice, trying to rescue everyone from their conflicts. Some people appreciated it. Many others didn’t.

For years I didn’t understand what the problem was. Why don’t people like receiving useful advice? Recently it clicked, thanks to a bout of the flu. Every time I told people close to me how unwell I felt, I got an avalanche of strategies: “you should drink tea with honey and lemon,” “how’s your vitamin C?”, “take propolis, it never fails.” All I got was advice, and my frustration kept growing. I realized what I was looking for, above all, was connection: dialogue mediated by a warm bowl of soup. Advice sometimes fails to create connection, because it can land as “here’s your solution, now off you go.” What I wanted was to be heard. Because when we speak and someone listens with openness, we can discover what we feel and what we need.

But the lesson went deeper through this situation: a friend wanted to help me by giving me advice. I didn’t consider that help, but I never let her know. She kept insisting, hunting for solutions. I kept insisting on steering the conversation elsewhere.

I grew very angry with this endless cycle, but I didn’t express it, so as not to seem inconsiderate, inattentive or insensitive to my friend’s good intentions. I chose to stay silent, afraid of her reaction. What I failed to understand was that by not expressing my needs, I ended up being inconsiderate, inattentive and insensitive, not only toward myself but toward her too.

It dawned on me that when we face an uncomfortable situation, our first reaction is to try to help the other person out of it as fast as possible. Sometimes what we’re really after is not feeling the discomfort their pain causes us. Nonviolent Communication introduced me, for the first time, to an alternative: empathic listening. We practice being present, accepting the other person unconditionally, with no rescue plan. That creates the space for transformation to happen on its own, for discovering the current state of things, and for starting to communicate directly with our own inner knowing.

Now I can tell my friends when I want to be listened to and when I’d prefer advice, which also has its place, and having that freedom makes me feel better right away. When I find someone in trouble, I simply ask: how can I be there for you? What do you need?